


Both Sides Now

by grace_writes_7



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Romance, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-01
Updated: 2020-12-01
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:02:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,508
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27826480
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grace_writes_7/pseuds/grace_writes_7
Summary: A songfic based on the song "Both Sides Now," inspired by Josh Groban and Sara Bareilles' cover. Dan and Phil are feeling conflicted. One shot.
Relationships: Dan Howell & Phil Lester, Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Comments: 2
Kudos: 7





	Both Sides Now

_Rows and flows of angel hair_  
_And ice cream castles in the air_  
_And feather canyons everywhere_  
_I've looked at clouds that way_

_But now they only block the sun_  
_They rain and snow on everyone_  
_So many things I would have done_  
_But clouds got in my way_

Phil walked along the London street, pulling up his hood and hunching his shoulders against the rain. He glanced up briefly at the gray sky and sighed a little. He thought about how he used to love playing in the rain as a kid, now it was just a nuisance as he tried to make his way back to his flat from the shops. He rarely got outside, especially now, and he wasn't happy to have what could have been a pleasant walk disrupted by uncomfortable rain.

_I've looked at clouds from both sides now_  
_From up and down, and still somehow_  
_It's clouds illusions I recall_  
_I really don't know clouds at all_

As he adjusted his mask over his nose, Phil thought about how everything had just seemed a little grayer lately. It made sense, the whole world was basically in a slump. It had been a long, strange year and he had mixed feelings about it. The world had been a rough place, but he should've been in a good one, having still come out pretty recently and basking in the acceptance and love of his fans. Yet even that spot of brightness had done strange things to his relationship. He considered this as he turned the key to the flat he shared with Dan.

_Moons and Junes and Ferris wheels_  
_The dizzy dancing way you feel_  
_As every fairy tale comes real_  
_I've looked at love that way_

Dan heard the key turn in the lock and knew it was Phil returning. He got up to greet him, wanting to know if Phil had had a successful trip in buying the ingredient they needed for dinner which they had forgotten in their grocery order. He paused in the doorway to the kitchen which Phil had already entered, leaning against the doorframe as he watched his boyfriend empty his shopping bag. He laughed as he saw Phil pull out a bag of sweets along with the food he was supposed to buy. Phil jumped a little, not realizing that Dan had been standing there.

"I deserve a treat for risking my life out there!" Phil defended himself.

"Of course you do," Dan agreed. "But you're gonna share, right?"

"If I have to," Phil whined exaggeratedly.

Dan laughed again and started pulling other ingredients out of the cupboard to start preparing dinner. This was one of the good moments, he thought. One of the moments that took Dan right back to when they had first met. When they had had sleepovers at Phil's house and stole kisses on the Manchester eye. When Dan had first really began to believe that love was something attainable for him. They had been having fewer of those moments lately.

_But now it's just another show_  
_You leave 'em laughing when you go_  
_And if you care, don't let them know_  
_Don't give yourself away_

Their relationship had always been a little fraught with outside drama, fears, and a hefty helping of internalized homophobia, mainly on Dan's end. And the more famous they got, the harder certain things became. Things like being afraid of getting caught, as if they were doing something wrong or shameful. But gradually it was almost like their relationship became a commodity, a part of their brand even when there was no confirmation it was real. As the Dan and Phil brand grew, so had Dan's paranoia. It became a strange balancing act, give the fans just enough to keep using it to their advantage, without actually revealing anything. And now that they were both out and Dan had used the word "soulmates" to describe their relationship, all at the same time he was attempting to untangle their professional lives just a little, it only made him more cautious about how they appeared.

_I've looked at love from both sides now_  
_From give and take, and still somehow_  
_It's love's illusions I recall_  
_I really don't know love at all_

"Do you ever think about what our lives would be like if we weren't famous?" Dan asked suddenly, trying to sound casual. "Not like if we'd never done YouTube at all, because then we'd never have met, but like if we had stopped at a certain point before we got big."

"And what? You'd be a lawyer and I'd be in film somehow?" Phil laughed slightly, not looking up from the stove. "That'd be alright for me, but you'd be miserable."

"Not like that!" Dan said, slightly frustrated. "Obviously I wouldn't be in law, I'd have found something else. That's not the point."

"Then what is?" Phil turned to him now, hearing the strain in his voice.

"I just meant, where would we be at? You know, us." He stressed the final word, trying to emphasize their togetherness.

_Tears and fears and feeling proud_  
_To say "I love you" right out loud_  
_Dreams and schemes and circus crowds_  
_I've looked at life that way_

"You mean like how I could hold your hand in public, and kiss you without worrying about who might be around? Like how we could be married, maybe, or adopt a kid if we wanted to?" Phil said quietly, turning away from Dan again. "Yeah, I've thought about that."

"Phil, I know that if it were up to you-," Dan began.

"Don't, Dan," Phil said, stirring the food a little harder than he needed to now. He realized what he was doing and sighed, letting go of the spoon and taking a few deep breaths before continuing calmly. "I won't pretend I love it, but I get why you want things to be this way. I really do."

"I'm not sure how much I do want things to be this way anymore," Dan confessed, voice wavering slightly. "There's just so much happening."

Phil turned and saw tears welling up in Dan's eyes. He dropped what he was doing and pulled his boyfriend into an embrace.

"It's alright, Dan, really," Phil whispered as he rubbed his back.

_But now old friends are acting strange_  
_They shake their heads, they say I've changed_  
_Well something's lost, but something's gained_  
_In living every day_

Dan relaxed into Phil's arms, searching for the right words to expressing everything he was feeling. He found them after a minute.

"I know it shouldn't matter what the world does and doesn't know about us," Dan began. "But now just doesn't feel like the time for me to be able to be public about this. I'm trying to escape the whole YouTube bubble, and the fans are having a hard enough time coping with that as is. And if we throw a public relationship into the mix, all they'll want is relationship videos. And that's not the kind of creator that I am. Or the kind of creator that you are, for that matter. AmazingPhil doesn't need a man to be amazing."

They both laughed, and Dan finally pulled out of Phil's embrace.

"But really," Dan continued, "sometimes you can be so under appreciated outside of the whole Dan and Phil brand, and that's just not right. I'm trying to give us both space to thrive and really be everything we have the potential to be."

"And I love you for it." Phil pulled Dan in for a kiss, and smiled as they broke apart. "I love you more than anything."

_I've looked at life from both sides now_  
_From win and lose and still somehow_  
_It's life's illusions I recall_  
_I really don't know life_

"I know things have been a little off between us," Dan said. "I can't help but feel it's mainly my fault."

Phil shook his head. "The whole world's been off. It's not just us."

"That's no excuse," Dan insisted. "If the world's a mess, all the more reason for us not to be. You're the only thing I can ever really count on in life."

Phil smiled, and Dan was sure it was the best smile he had gotten out of him in months.

"I think we were just a little out of sync, Dan. But I feel like we're back in sync now," Phil reassured him, cupping his face with one hand. Then his smile faded a little. "What's that smell?"

"The stove!" Dan exclaimed.

Dan and Phil laughed as they rushed over to attempt to save the neglected, burnt remains of their dinner to no avail.

"Take away?" Dan suggested.

"I guess," Phil groaned. "I can't believe I braved a pandemic for nothing."

"Not for nothing," Dan reminded him with a smile. "We've still got those sweets."

_I've looked at life from both sides now_  
_From up and down, and still somehow_  
_It's life's illusions I recall_  
_I really don't know life at all_


End file.
